Lost
by ShareBearTheDeathBear
Summary: She was lost without him. – Misa Amane. Slight AU.


**Summary: **She was lost without him – Misa Amane. Slight AU.

**Characters: **Misa Amane, Touta Matsuda. Others (Light, Sayu, Sachiko) mentioned only in passing.

**A/N: **I think I'm on a Misa kick for the time being even though I _know _I should be updating PMHTS. This is just so much more gratifying. Just consider it as an impromptu accompaniment to _Beautiful._

**Disclaimer: **Don't own anything – not even the format (_that_ was stolen and half-assed).

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**LOST**

_everything she had was gone._

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Misa-Misa, the gloriously beautiful and bubbly Japanese superstar, is dead to the world. It was funny – _in that sardonic way that made the corners of Misa's mouth twinge from the bitterness of it all_ – how easily people forgot celebrities after a few years of inactivity. At first, there were flurries – mountains of worried fan letters and business opportunities – of curiosity from the general public. It eventually gets ridiculous – _Extra! Extra! Misa-Misa actually living as a female to male transvestite! _– but she ignores it all.

Eventually after months of locking herself in her apartment complex, Misa allows herself the liberty of setting foot in the outside world – the world without Light. She is numb – so numb that every breath, every action, every _blink_ is forced.

Someone recognizes her – a middle aged woman wearing saggy sweatpants with weird stains who had once been fond of her perfumes – but Misa shrugs her off claiming she wasn't Misa-Misa, and besides – _Isn't Misa-Misa currently abroad undergoing her sex-change surgery?_

The rumors continue – _Complications with surgery! Misa-Misa is dead! _– but she could care less. As far as she was concerned, she stopped being Misa-Misa the moment Matsuda knocked on her door saying weird things – things like Light Yagami was dead.

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It took her months – months of waiting by the door wearing aprons, waiting in bed hoping that he would saunter in, sitting by the phone thinking that he would call, hoping for him to come out of nowhere and snidely criticize her in his wonderfully beautiful voice – for her to realize that maybe Light Yagami wasn't coming back from work.

The dishes of fully made meals – _only Light's favorite!_ – were stacked high in the sink. She still dresses up each day since she always wanted to look beautiful for her Light. The plants that once flourished within their apartment are dying without sunlight, water and her daily dose of smiles.

One day, a plate falls from her hand and innocently shatters to pieces. The sound of breaking china doesn't stop until late at night – nearly twilight, if she tries to remember. She doesn't stop until she's surrounded by things that are more broken than her.

Beautiful tears splatter onto beautifully shattered dishes.

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She takes to drinking – something cheap and unladylike and un-beautiful – especially beer and low-end sake. She makes friends with the bartender easily (he's an old man and a diehard Misa-Misa fan) and she laughs at his bad jokes. Their relationship is volatile yet incredibly easy (they both take what the other leaves, never wanting or expecting to take anything more or anything less) and it gets to the point that she confides in him – like how _he_ never told her whether _he_ liked her cooking, or ever tell her that she was beautiful – and he listens in that quiet way that tells her that he's not really listening at all. It pleases her that she can say all that she wants and no one will call her dumb or annoying or frivolous. The bartender never bothers to ask the identity of "_he_" and she doesn't intend on telling him.

It's still hard, though.

It's hard looking at a mirror every morning and realizing that she isn't all there.

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The pieces of china are still on the floor.

And Misa doesn't think that they'll go away – after all, you can't magically glue something back together after it completely shatters, can you? So she leaves them there, in plain sight. Her heels crunch as she walks to the door each day and she stumbles on them when she comes back in a drunken daze.

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Sometimes, she visits Sayu.

Sayu was admitted into a care home – Misa calls it a care home even though, in every conceivable way, it's actually a mental asylum – after experiencing numerous nervous breakdowns at home and at work. Sayu seems almost content in her wheelchair as she sits by the koi pond watching the invisible ripples in the pond. She likes it when Misa brings her something sweet – like dango – or something pretty.

The last part might just be imagining on Misa's part since Sayu never tells her whether she dislikes or likes anything that Misa brings. She just stares forward into the sunlight as she watches the koi swim in the pond as the breeze that smells like cherry blossoms blows onto her face.

Misa doesn't say anything though, she just watches the younger girl believing for a split second that she's actually staring into Light's eyes. The illusion is gone as soon as it begins and Misa isn't sure how to feel about that.

Occasionally, she will meet Sachiko, the woman that conceived Light, during her visits with Sayu. In all honesty, it is because of this fact that Misa respects the woman and ever bothers checking up on her from time to time. And it's because they share the same face – the face of fatigue that is brought by the death of loved ones.

But a small part of Misa thinks – _knows_ – that Sachiko will never truly understand her pain.

She had lost her god, after all.

Sachiko was merely a woman without a son and besides – she had lived before Light, hadn't she? She could probably live after him too.

Not like Misa, before Light there was nothing for Misa.

Nothing.

She still hugs the woman, nonetheless.

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She isn't sure why one night something in her usual routine is different. Maybe it's the fact that her usual bartender buddy was absent – a bad case of the flu is what the new man tells her – or maybe it's because she forgot to call Sachiko that afternoon. Nonetheless, Misa finds herself filled to the toes with alcohol and she can't even bother to form a coherent mumble – let alone thought.

It's the first time in nearly two years that she smiles. She smiles and asks the bartender if she's pretty right before she falls off the barstool and just lies on the sticky floor making carpet angels.

It is then that she calls Touta Matsuda and asks him on a date telling him to meet her at the coffee shop two doors down. Her flirtatious statements are slurred and mumbled as she stumbles to her feet, sashaying down the street like the model she was.

She's still smiling.

She falls into an empty booth and taps her nails against the table, briefly realizing that she's in dire need of manicure _stat_. The sleepy waitress doesn't even blink as Misa starts climbing onto the table and starts belting out one of her greatest hits – after all, she's the gorgeous Misa-Misa the famous Japanese idol that can do it all: sing, dance, model and act. It doesn't matter that her clothes are horribly sticky and smell of alcohol or that there's dried blood under her nose from when she fell off the stool and onto the floor or that her lipstick is smeared beyond repair or that Light is dead.

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Matsuda shows up even though it's three in the morning and there's a nasty rainstorm outside. He applauds and cheers her on while giving the waitress an apologetic glance before sliding some money towards the register.

The waitress stuffs the cash in her bra and turns a blind eye.

Misa continues singing as she stands on the table top, performing for an audience of one.

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When the alcohol finally ran its course, Misa sits down at the booth demanding something strong – like vodka and coffee. Matsuda gives her the coffee but nothing else. She pouts and flirts and calls him names but he continues smiling as he sits across from her, sipping his coffee.

"Misa-Misa hates you!" She finally shrieks.

His smile freezes as does his face while she continues screaming why she hates Touta Matsuda so much – and why she hates living without Light.

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For a second, Matsuda wonders if Misa knew. If she knew that he was the one to shoot Light.

He dismisses the thought.

Misa didn't even know how Light died – let alone the fact that he was _killed_.

The fact doesn't make him feel any better, though.

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She eventually passes out in the coffee shop and Matsuda takes her home. He gently places her in the bed and tucks her in. He picks up all the pieces of broken china before leaving and gently shutting the door behind him.

Touta Matsuda resigned after Light's death. He opened a dango shop shortly afterwards and never looked back, even though he was offered countless promotions.

Apparently, every police force in Japan wants the man who killed Kira as their chief.

The thought almost seems ludicrous to him.

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When she died, the nation of Japan mourned Misa-Misa – _the beautiful, the friendly, the amazing, and the perfect woman_ – the beloved and forgotten idol.

Touta Matsuda mourned Misa Amane – the woman who had lost all hope and all love.


End file.
